Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Zelda Division
by RoryD
Summary: The PPC come to Hyrule, killing all Sues in their path. And yes, I do have permission.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda series. Believe me, if I did, you'd know. That honor goes to Nintendo. I don't own PPC, either. They are owned by Jay and Acacia. So don't sue me, okay? I do own Kara and Moni, however.

The original PPC is hosted at www.misssandman.com .

Without further ado, on with the story!

PPC: Zelda Division

Prologue

The story begins with a door. It was not a very special door, and would have been quite unremarkable was it not for the following reason: it had no sign. There were, as far as its inhabitants knew, no other door like it in the entire building. At least, not in the explored areas. The story of this is quite simple. It had, of course, like every other door in the PPC headquarters, once had a sign. It had read, 'Department of Mary Sues, Zelda Division.', and this was all very normal and acceptable. It was later, in the interest of strict accuracy, that it was amended to 'Department of Mary Sues, Irrational Crossovers, Bad Slash, Badfics, and pretty much anything else you can think of', with something that could _possibly_ be read as 'Zelda Division', at the end. However, since this made an unreadable mess of the sign, it was scrapped. Anyone of the few people who had business with the Zelda department knew which door it was (number 14763, if anyone cares), and most people without business had the common sense not to try a door with no sign. It was, as had been stated before, pretty ominous. 

The inhabitants of this signless door numbered two, both fresh recruits for the Zelda division, which was, apparently, a "rapidly growing, friendly community". At least, that was what the sunflower had said, and Kara and Moni had been naïve enough to believe him. Or her, or it. It was hard to tell, with flowers. They only learned later, that the last occupants had quit due to irreversible brain damage. They had just left full-time school. Of course. They were poor and looking for a job. Of course. And, after it had become apparent that, while collecting dustbins did have certain merits, it just wasn't _them_, somehow, it was simply a matter of following the directions of one of those 'Your continuum needs YOU!' signs that the Department of Personnel had plastered everywhere. 

And now, they were in their response center, waiting for their first mission. This had to do with many things, but mostly it was because they were bored. They had already finished reading the set material, and completing Zelda for the fiftieth time. That was one advantage of working in a games department- part of your work included playing games. Anyway- while it is well known that the Universal Laws of Comedy will immediately set about destroying any auras of calm and happiness They happen to find, They are quite stumped when the come upon boredom and unhappiness, and go slink off in a corner somewhere. This room was particular trouble, as it seemed the occupants would do pretty much anything other than nothing.

Moni was the taller of the two, although not by much; both were about a meter and three quarters tall. Both had plain brown hair, but Moni had dark green eyes, whereas Kara had brown. Moni was the quiet, easily annoyed, bookish one, while Kara was the bouncy, vaguely insane (or at least, _obviously_ vaguely insane) one. They made perfect partners, at least to Upstairs, in that they both had a mild hobby in driving each other passively mad. 

They were currently sitting down restlessly on some cushions brought in from Real Life, and were both avidly doing nothing in particular. Kara was simply leaning against one of the few empty spaces on the wall, while Moni was rereading _The Life and Habits of the Sue_ for what seemed like the hundredth time. Soon, Moni got up and left, probably to have another bath or something. She was one of those people who never seem to see when they've had all the baths they can usefully take in one day. The door opened. The door closed.

Time passed.  The door opened. The door closed. Moni entered. "You'll never guess what I found!" she said, happily.

"What?" asked Kara, "A… four story entertainment complex with a thousand films and videogame available and a thousand inch plasma screen?"

"No. Much better than _that_," replied Moni, dismissively.

"What, then?"

"Junk food!" she practically squealed.

Kara smiled. They had spent _hours_ searching for a café, to no avail, and, while the tuna sandwiches they had were no doubt filling, they lacked a certain _something_.

"Where? Let's get-"

The Laws saw Their chance:

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!] 

End.

[Don't forget to review!]


	2. Chapter 1: The 'Seventh' Sage

Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda series. Believe me, if I did, you'd know. That honor goes to Nintendo. I don't own PPC or the idea of Minis. They are owned by Jay and Acacia, and Miss Cam, respectively. So don't sue me, okay? I do own Kara, Moni and Karmiel, however.

Both are on Miss Cam's website,  www.misssandman.com .

Once again, there is nothing more to say, so here's the story!

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PPC: Zelda Division

'The Seventh Sage"

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"…Ah well. Never mind that then, I suppose"

Moni nodded in agreement, then walked over to the console on the wall. It's screen was flashing the message 'Warning! Incoming Sue! Warning!' over and over, in rainbow colors. She could only assume this was a peculiarity of PPC. Opening the Words, she began to read. After a while, Kara asked, "Well? How is it?"

It was only then that Kara noticed that Moni was slumped against the back of her chair, unconscious. She woke her up, and repeated the question.

 "Bad grammar! Go 'way!" was her answer.

"How is it otherwise, then?"

"Not… _too_ bad, I hope," said Moni, visibly calmed down.

"What's in it?"

"Our Sue seems just to be a simple Link usurper. She completes the temples herself, with him along as an effective bit character. …Oh, and she's Link's improbable twin sister."

"_Improbable_? How, exactly?" 

"Well… Link was Hylian, yes?"

"Er… yes?"

"So, a _twin_ sister would be Hylian as well. Not-" She glanced at the Words again- " half-Hylian, half-'Zoa' and half-'Shika'."

"That's three halves."

"Must be a big Sue."

"I mean… bad English, I understand, if not sympathize. The same for creativity. But surely, not many Sues muck up _maths._"

"Well all the more reason to get there soon, eh?" said Moni, grapping the portal device from its hook-like thingy on the wall, next to the console.

"_Moni_," chastised Kara, "Disguises, remember?" Upstairs, and the S.O in particular had been very… _definite_ about the penalties for showing up in a continuum in their natural forms.

"Oh… yeah," replied Mona, "What'll we be? Stalfos?"

"Fair enough," said Kara, hurriedly tapping the disguise configuration into the console.

"_Now_ can we go?"

A slight hiss and a feeling of motion was her answer.

The portal deposited them in somewhere that looked like… nothing. Pure blackness, before the beginning of the story. Suddenly, a voice ripped through their heads:

[A/N: tis story has MY idea ot teh ening too OoT Lik stays an adult & Navy syays w/ him. so dont  complane!!1!Also, Karmiel is NOT!!!!!!111!1! a may  sue she has lot of folts!!!111!!11]

The duo had their hands over their ears and curled up in a fetal position in record time. It did little to block out the mindless babble of the author, and the sounds of tortured grammar.

"Meep," said Kara, from the place on the blackness she was crouching on.

"Quite."

Slowly, the darkness was fading away, being replaced by something that was, according to the Omnipresent Author™, called 'Hyrule-Castletown', which was apparently in the 'far South' of 'Hrule'. It didn't look much like the Castle Town the Protectors remembered. It had much more in common with Generic Fantasy City. Golden roofs, and 'blue towers(u no wat I mean)'. It also seemed much too large, even given the leeway allowed between a game and the writer's interpretation.

She waz cold and wet and hungy and usand, but siill she hadd radiunt bety. Karamiel (oh yeah, she was a orphan! I forgot to say tat lol) shrivered from the cod. She thouht abot wat her life wold have bene like if her moter had not did, just when. she was born. She would have had a future, a preper life.her thoughts were intirapted (sp?) by a kic from a pasying Hyian. Noone cared about her. She could barely manage to scrape together 3 rupes a day, on a good day. Everyone hated her bcos she was difarant. People hated her Zoa and Sheka parents. She was-

"Can we leave? I don't think I can stand this angst-fest," said Moni

"Yes! Let's go to all the temples, and the forest, and the desert, and the…"

"Yes, Kara, but we've got some charges to write first, yes?"

"Then let's write them in the Forest Temple, okay?" replied Kara, as she portalled away. Moni waited a few minutes, writing a few lines on her worn notebook, before stepping through the portal.

The portal took her to the entrance of the Forest Temple, which was, now at least, normal- free from the influence of the Sue.

"How long do we have?" questioned Kara.

"Till our Sue's rescued from her terrible life by the only one who cares for her, the brave Link? About-" she glanced at the Words, "-an hour and a half."

"Whee!"

Two decidedly happier Stalfos emerged from the Spirit Temple an hour and a half later. One held a large, simple bow, and the other held… pretty much everything else. Three 'Spirual Stones' had been removed, along with the 'Hovar Botes', and many other non-canon items. They had to leave the Mirror Shield alone, though, as it was (against all expectation), spelt correctly. One of them took out a strange device, and then they were gone.

They appeared in the back streets of 'Hyrule-Castletown', where Link was about to be robbed by the Sue. Why he was there was never explained. The assassins watched the spectacle, becoming more and more depressed as it went on. For the Hero of Time, Link was strangely not alert. It took him a few seconds to react to being robbed from, and then he grabbed her with and punched her, knocking her out cold.

"u dont steel frum the hero Oftime!"

Kara just cringed, but Moni whipped out her Character Analysis Device (and she did whip it out. Kara knew that, as she'd seen her practicing with it for hours), and pointed it at Link. She barely had time to mute it before the screen flashed up:

[Link (I). Hylian Male. Bit. Canon/noncanon/canoncanonnoncanononon/ anonccnoan.ancon/noncanonnoncanoncon Warning: fuzzybunny, fuzzybunny! Hello, Mr. Jelly! Bweep! Bweep! Beware of Camels! Bweep! Out of canon: please insert a fresh continuum! Bzzt, bzzt! Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. Do you like your spoon? Erase current continuum Y/Y? Fzzt-]

The device was hurriedly switched off.

"Well?"

"I'm still in shock."

"Indeed?"

"I never knew bloodlust was so easily achievable. Where can we get her?" Moni's voice was calm, quiet and apparently totally sane. The effect was disquieting. 

"How about when we discover a secret colony of Sheikah living in the Lost Woods?"

"Good. What other major charges do we have to witness?"

"Mmm… her deus-ex machina braclet, 'given to her by the gods'… being contacted by 'Naryu' and being told she is Link's twin, and the wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom… being told she is the Seventh Sage… being attacked by Ganondorf because she is 'too powerful'… this one clearly never finished the game."

Karamariel sloly got up. She was hut al over. She decide to follow the straj grene boy back-

"Why? I mean, hasn't she just been attacked by him?"

"Who are we to ponder the mind of the Sue?" asked Moni, philosophically, "Let's just get this over with as quickly as possible, so we can kill her all the sooner."

-to wher hi lived. Suun she wuz in the forest (I foget teh nam lololololol). She saw Limk climing into a trhree-house. "So tahts were he livvs" she thought. Helokked judt like her, exept she was wearing. a prettty bleu dreff rather thn his green shurt-

"It's a tunic, for Farore's sake!"

"Now, now, calm down, Moni. She can hear you, remember?"

- She cudd see insid-

"What, with her X-ray vision?" Moni was beginning to enjoy herself.

- and evn its meegar furnitures wer moer than. what shee hasd. Sudnly, hur braclet tat she had sins she wuz little but I havnt mentind before lol(tats a funy joke lololololo)   began too glow. Suddny a voce spoke like tis: Hi, Karmial'-

"Nayru said 'hi'? And can't she decide on her own name?"

"No."

"What?"

"Nayru didn't say that, apparently. 'Naryu' said it. But lets just wait till we can kill her, right?"

"Right."

- it sed. 'Wo are u?!?!?!!??@ she askd. I am Naryu   "The goddes? y RU tokkin to mi" 'Bcos u are the 7th Sage Karamial' I cnt be i am poor and homeless Yes ur K (tahts what ill be callin hur cos its eesier too tipe lol rofl) u have 2 believe it. U r very powerful. Limk nedes ur help . Oh water before u go I shod tel u something ~what/# ur links tin sister and ur hertage wil help u. Ur baclet waz givn bi teh gods it iz v. powerful. 'but ho can I doo thys????//???' U wil fin a wai lokk in ur hart sed the figure (their was a figure there but I furgo to mention it lollollollol!") vanishing. She went too link but he was aslepe so she woke him lol w/ a bucket of woater he said y r u heir r'nt u tat @#?*& theef from befor. 

Yes she sed but I had too stele bcos I am so poor & homless I wudd die uv huner otherwhise  Oh he sed im sorry for attackin u I didnt reelize he sed u can livv w./ mi wat r u called he asked  'I'm Kamariel, but im called K cos tatas eesier two tipe lol  ''lol said Link' " Oh BTW im ur sister no u cant be iam a norphan I have no famili yes u do the goddess told mi I don't beleev it sed link# now I have a sister woopee111@ Naryu sedd I wuz to help u w.? ur kwest No u cant do taht it iz too hard ur a wimpy gurl Kno im notte wach TIS!!! she sedd and she waved her breclet and mad a big BANG!!!!! happen bloing up the ground wo sed link ur strong u can com w./ me lololol.  were r we goin we ned to go the deth muntan so we grt the spirual ston of fier teh garon saphire Ok letz go!!!

"Arggh," said Kara.

"I'll have to agree with you: arggh."

"How much longer till we can kill her?"

"Soon… soon. Unless you want to wait 'many mouths', we should portal to when she gets the 'Masrter Soord'"

"Souvenir!"

"Quite."

Afer meny mouths tey had al five (lol I added an excra wun lololol!") spriual stons tey took tem to the tomple of time it was v. big there as a pedestal where ther was 5 holows. Link said what shall we do the dore is closed Tis is a v. difficult puzzle (I wuz stukk tere for dayz lol) I no wat to do sed K we just put the stons in the hols tenb play tat sonwe just got.

"Wo sed link" ur so clever I would never work tata out so qwik So tey did tat and teh door opend. Then gannnondorf came in he said lol u have opend the door no I get the triforze u  kan live link sed (lololol tats Latin 4 but) K who is realy Karrmial but K is easier too tipe is too powerful I musst kil u No sed limk he charjed Ganonndutf butbe4 he god two him he was town backwurds. He stopd&lookkd behing him &saw K w./ her bracler raietin majick I wil get u bakk sedd ganodorf before vanishing lol kno we cann gett teh Masrter Soord Link went over 2 get it but Naryu apeerd & sedd no this wepon is 4 K Ok sedd link and ten K got the sord. Sudynli tey were teleported too the sacrid relm were tey becam older lol.

"Nnngh… just let me go, Kara, I can get her from here."

"Nope. You know that we have to charge her first."

"Oh all right, " said Moni, reluctantly stopping struggling, "But when can we kill her?"

"Don't worry. They go visit the Sheikah as soon as they leave the Chamber of Sages."

Ten Raru apeered he sed hello k and link Tey sed hoo ru I am raru saj uv lite u must awaken teh other sajes but furst u must go vist the sheka in teh lost wudds tey hav sumting 4 u'

 but y?' don't u no sed rau u r the berer of the triforze uv wisdom wen ganonDORK lololol got it it split cuz he wuz so bad and u got a peece. ok lets go sed K.

After an fewe wekes  travvell tey were in the lost wods when tey say a nowl it sedd hello K & link ur looking 4 the sheiks Yes sedd K. Link had fabted he was so surprised. Ten the owl sedd well u haf to go forwd left left right back rite rite lift forward left bakk to get tere oh tanks bi!!! she saed. Ten tey went forwd left left right back rite rite lift forward left bakk & son tey were tere. tey saw a whole and. suddenly a sheaik jumooed out he sedd hello come in we must plan against ganon for he iz after u. Suddnly, too stal-

-fos stepped out of the trees. 

One of them, the taller one, said, "At last. Do you know, I thought we would never get to this point?"

"I know the feeling. You want to charge her, or shall I?"

" I will, thanks. Now, where's my notebook? Here? Ah, good." The skeleton turned to the startled girl, "Where was I? Ah, yes. Karmiel, a.k.a. Karamiel, Karamial and K, I herby charge you, with my authority as a member of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, with the following:

"Being a canon's relation, to whit, Link's twin sister; changing the known ending of Ocarina of Time; not understanding basic arithmetic; changing the geography of Hyrule; changing the known biology of Hyrule; defamation of the Hylian race; surviving against all odds as a baby on the streets; being a member of an almost-extinct race; mucking up with the sequence of events, to whit, Link's knowledge of his Hero of Time status; making patently dumb decisions; being found illegally in the possession of a deus-ex machina bracelet; causing canon characters to act like gullible fools; causing Link to wear a shirt; mucking with the number and names of the Spiritual Stones; defamation of characters, to whit, Link and Ganondorf; being in possession of apparent X-ray vision; destroying the basic plotline of Ocarina of time; using bloody annoying in-text authors notes; causing some of the worst Character Ruptures recorded; causing several major characters to say 'lol'; usurping major canon characters, to whit, Link and Zelda; changing the possession of a major plot item; massacring the English language; creating a small army of Mini- Gohmas; having a horrible, angsty past; bringing author knowledge to the characters; creating a society of a near-extinct race, to whit, the Sheikah; creating a non-canon location, to whit, the secret Sheikah hideout; claiming not be a Mary Sue; last, but most definitely not least, **being a Mary Sue**. I'd ask you to remember that, but that would be pointless, wouldn't it? Your penalty is death. Any last words?" 

As the Sue opened her mouth, Moni spoke again, "Oh, wait. I'm sorry. For this level of offense, you don't get any last words. Goodbye."

"Hoe kann u do tis??//!?11!?/?I am teh 7th-"-

The tall Stalfos notched an arrow on the 'Farey Bo', and fired. The time she'd spent covering her arrows in the contact poison near Bongo-Bongo was well spent. The Sue shuddered, died, and the world began slipping out of the realms of uncanon.

"This place doesn't exist in canon. Time to go?" suggested Kara. Moni shrugged, grapped the body of the late Karmiel, and ran for it.

"So," said Kara, panting, "How do we dispose of the body?"

"Ganon's Castle?"

"As good a suggestion as any," replied Kara, as she tapped in the coordinates. Suddenly, a whoosh, and they were gone.

"Do you some, rumor has it that if you throw something into the center of the lava here, you get the Triforce?" Kara told her partner.

"It's generally a bomb, Kara."

"Well, seeing as that hasn't worked yet, maybe dead Sues do the trick."

Moni sighed at her partner, and heaved the corpse into the middle of the lava, where it was consumed in seconds, and sunk, burning, without a trace. No relic of the Goddesses was forthcoming. 

"Ah well," said Kara, mock sadly, "I guess that theory was off."

"Shall we be getting back?" asked Moni, "It's time to sample some junk."

End.

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[A/N: How was it? Leave a review on the way out! Oh, and if you feel like constructing some of these abominations for me to destroy, send 'em to _lfessler@nildram.co.uk_ . You can cut down on the spelling and grammar mistakes if you want- I think I've made my point with them.] 

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